How to Integrate the Many Parts of YOU
Humans are complex, sentient beings, navigating a multitude of dynamics both internally and externally. To ensure consistency and positive outcomes in our social interactions, we go inward; we commit to being deeply familiar with our inner world. Here, we find a landscape within that’s made up of many parts and pieces that, when woven together, result in our unique, individual personality.
The framework described above is called Internal Family Systems and refers to our “family within.” When our internal family is nurtured and attended to, a healthy personality emerges. When neglected, denied, or dismissed, this internal family becomes fragmented and shows up through undeveloped, negative personality traits. These traits, also described as shadow selves, often stem from trauma, neglect, and painful experiences within our family of origin or other salient relationships in our early childhood years.
Shadow selves play an important part in building a whole, balanced, and integrated personality. However, because most of us are fearful of these traits, they often become neglected parts of us. Neglected for too long, they can create undesired, destructive behavior that can sabotage relationships, life experiences, and possible opportunities. Acknowledging and working with these shadow parts allows them to heal and then become integrated “family members.”
How do we begin the process of facing our shadow selves and becoming a fully integrated human? The Internal Family Systems model is a great framework to support our efforts.
The Internal Family Systems Model
Imagine that all the parts of your personality are separate family members living inside your mind. The Internal Family Systems Model categorizes this “family” into three main roles:
Exiles are the parts of you that are vulnerable. They are the parts that are suffering and feeling mental pain, shame, fear, or post-traumatic stress. The other parts of you try to hide the Exiles to protect you from this pain.
Managers are the parts of you that are protective. They want to prevent you from being hurt by others or the outside world. This can show up as perfectionism, being too hard on yourself or others, or pushing too hard out of a fear of failure or rejection.
Firefighters are the parts of you that emerge when Exiles break out and demand your attention. They work to distract you from the pain and numb out these negative feelings through impulsive or desperate behaviors. This can manifest as overworking, over-medicating, overeating, drinking, or even violence.
There is a fourth member or “part” that we must all develop in order to emerge with an integrated personality. Think of this part as the Director or the Executive Self. The Executive Self is our highest self. Descriptors of this part include: being in command, grounded, strong, direct, and clear; having a strong grasp on reality and leading with a confident point of view; and having the ability to show up calm, resourceful, responsive, and courageous.
Having a strong sense of your Executive Self allows you to tap into its wisdom when you need it the most. This enables your Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters to feel heard and stand down, so that they do not sabotage you.
Coaching Questions to Consider:
How do Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters show up in your Internal Family System?
Write down the attributes of your Executive Self and imagine specifics about this “part” of you. Be very detailed with how this part of you looks, talks, their body language, their demeanor, and what they value.
Note: A coach or therapist trained in the Internal Family Systems approach can be very useful in guiding you through the self-reflection process. If you’re interested in coaching with Kismet, reach out to me at kristine@kismet-consulting.com.
What Happens When We’re Out of Alignment
Imagine that you’re driving a car down the road. All of a sudden, someone in your backseat pushes you out of the driver’s seat and takes the wheel. Scary, right? This is what can happen to your Executive Self when your Exiles, Managers, or Firefighters are undeveloped and unattended to.
I once worked with a leader who was struggling with one colleague in particular. Something in that person triggered him and caused him to be judgmental and passive-aggressive — which he wasn’t proud of. He felt like his lowest self (in the form of a Manager) was showing up. His Executive Self would never have behaved like this.
We dug into the issue, and discovered that his inner Manager didn’t trust his colleague and was trying to protect him from being double-crossed. Because his Executive Self wasn’t in the driver’s seat, his inner Manager showed up in an ineffective way and put him at even more risk — because he lost respect in the process.
Listening to our Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters
The more we try to ignore, deny, and hide our Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters, the louder they get and the more they will try to take over. Addressing these inner parts directly and hearing what they have to say is key to integration. Becoming still — truly listening to what these parts are feeling and needing — brings you closer and provides you with fresh wisdom about yourself. This is how you begin a genuinely healthy relationship with the many parts of you.
The goal is not to get rid of these shadow selves, but to use their wisdom to grow and mature into your Executive Self. When you stop ignoring them, they release their grip and the negative manifestations they once produced. True healing begins the moment you move out of denial and nurture what is broken.
Have an internal conversation between your Executive Self and your Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters. Follow these guidelines to explore how the different parts of you are showing up and what tensions exists between them:
Consider a situation where two parts of you are conflicting. For example, you’re on stage to present and you turn bright red. You can’t speak, even though you’re well-prepared and practiced.
Reflect on which parts of you are showing up here. Your Executive Self is practiced and prepared, but your inner Exile doesn’t feel confident and is afraid of not being good enough. At this point, you are at risk of your Exile sabotaging your success.
Get to know this part of you. How old is your Exile? What do they look like? What do they wear? What does their voice sound like? How is their posture? What do they need from you in order to stand down?
Ask yourself what your Executive Self would do. Stay grounded in what is real and true. You deserve to be here. You have worked hard for this and are an expert in what you have to say. Now, take the hand of your Exile and go to the stage — prepared, a little scared, fully capable, and perfectly imperfect. Joining forces with your Exile allows for an authentic human to step into the light and inspires the audience in ways previously unimaginable.
Dedication to your Internal Family System and getting to know each part of yourself builds self-love and compassion. From this place, naturally and effortlessly, this inner world begins reflecting back to us in our outer world. Our external landscape becomes more harmonious, abundant, and easier to navigate. Joy abounds.
Resources
Internal Family Systems Therapy by Richard C. Schwartz
Kristine Steinberg is the CEO of Kismet. She believes that your life should be deeply fulfilling — not tolerated. Partner with Kismet to dismantle fear, define your path, and lead with courage. Start your transformation today.