The Art of Influencing
Have you ever been in a room full of people, but felt invisible? Or in a group conversation where you tried to get your point across, but were just not heard? Maybe you started a new job and hadn’t yet found your sea legs to navigate various cliques. Or you were promoted to a new role in a matrix company that pulls in people from different departments who don’t actually report to you (and therefore, have no real incentive to listen to you). Shut down, ostracized, or alienated—these situations are crushing.
If you’ve been here, you know the fix is not as simple as just “saying what you mean” or speaking more loudly. We can’t just force our way into a room or a conversation when we’re not seen. So what’s the solution?
It has to do with the art of influencing—shifting an outcome in your favor, whether it’s to get your point heard, move your agenda forward, be invited to a meeting, or get paid more money. You want people to “buy” what you’re selling, whether it’s an actual product or an idea you have for your organization. Influencing is a multifaceted discipline you have to work at over time. With practice, you’ll be able to take back some power in frustrating scenarios.
Consider this framework to build your long-term track record of influencing others—without overt power:
Find your niche: It starts with determining your niche. What are you trying to influence around? What’s the perspective you want heard? What do you want people to buy? What’s the cult of personality you want to create?
Determine your why: Why is moving this agenda forward important to you? Why will it be important to others? Determine the purpose of what you’re trying to accomplish. Connect to the bigger picture: how will it make their lives or the organization better?
Define your audience: Who do you need to talk to? Who is it that you want to shift their perspective about? Think about what they are motivated by. How will you get them to “buy” what you’re selling?
Be prepared: Gather important information and rational concepts that support your case when you bring it forward, rather than just emotions and feelings. How can you build credibility and strength in your response?
What would you do in this scenario?
Imagine: you’re the only woman on the executive team. A corporate off-site is planned for a day of strategy sessions, tennis, and dinner. You get invited to the strategy session, but not to tennis or dinner. You have a close relationship with your boss, so you bring it up to him. He explains, “You weren’t invited because you don’t play tennis. You should just be glad you were invited to the strategy part of the day.”
How do you respond?
Complain about it. This is so upsetting and unfair. You feel really hurt and excluded.
Lash out in anger. This situation is enraging! Tell your boss how unbelievable this is and that you’re coming anyway. Criticize and condemn this behavior.
Silently stew about it. You’re both sad and angry about this situation, but you keep it to yourself.
But what if there was a better way? You could take a deep breath, step back, and say, “Look, if you don’t invite me to this, you and this team will not look progressive. It’s going to be demoralizing to all women at this organization… But if you DO bring me along, I can guarantee it will make you look good, and I’ll let others know that I was invited and included.”
Can you see the difference? Influencing is not about making others feel pity for you. In fact, people who are seen as victims in the workplace are very much avoided. Attempting to win an argument will not work out in your favor, because negativity is not a convincing case.
Influencing is about considering your audience and what will motivate them to act in your desired outcome. You have to detach from your own emotions about the situation, and be crafty in your response. Tap into their emotions. What will make them feel inspired to change? Approaching from this angle allows you to begin the negotiation. Invite them to come to their own realization of the downside of their stance, and inspire them to see the benefits of a different way.
Make it about them, not you
In the famous book that has stood the test of time, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, one of the biggest takeaways is the need to build a relationship with your audience. If you want someone to listen to what you have to say, you need to make a connection with them—even if you’re meeting for the first time. Consider what common ground you have with one another. After all, people like to buy things from people they like.
If you want to influence someone, it has to be about them (not you). Be genuinely curious about where they are coming from, and listen deeply to their needs and desires. Consider the rationale behind their actions, and praise what they are already doing well. Why should the outcome you want matter to them? What value does it provide them with? Your goal is to have others believe that your conclusion is their own.
The art of influencing is not easy, but it’s a powerful and exciting tool to get others to see your perspective and advance your ideas. By coming from a genuine place of wanting to help others, you can get the other person off their defenses. You make them feel important and empower them to change by their own will, thereby turning the negative effect of their actions into a positive one. When you open their mind up to a new way of thinking, you both win.
Resources:
The Art of Quiet Influence by Jocelyn Davis: This book applies wisdom from Buddha, Confucius, Rumi, Gandhi, and others to getting things done at work and in life. Sometimes, we can be pushy or aggressive when we want to persuade others. But mindfulness and influencing without authority is key. The concept is built around inviting in participation, sharing power, and aiding progress (in whatever role you occupy).
Kristine Steinberg is the CEO of Kismet. She believes that your life should be deeply fulfilling — not tolerated. Partner with Kismet to dismantle fear, define your path, and lead with courage. Start your transformation today.